just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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