I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
