I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
