in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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