just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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