he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
