I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
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Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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