Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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