OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
