Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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