when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
