I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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