saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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