Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
