My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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