totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
