I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I want her autograph on my taint
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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