The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
