I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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