Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
