I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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