Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
