I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i've created a new STD.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
