I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
