We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
