when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
