I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
