Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
