I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
