i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
