I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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