Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
