I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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