Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
