I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
