When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
