Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
