Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
