I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
