The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
COCAINE IS GR8
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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