my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
