I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
