So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize