We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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