Porn is love you can see.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
