Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
