You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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