the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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