I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
