Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
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My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
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I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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