Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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