i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You can't just leave with hair like that
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
