while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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