Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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