why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
