The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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