Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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